COLUMN: A lost Generation – The Wonder Years

Ever use an app where you have a younger image of a person and watch it change to the look of a person in their old age? My vanity makes me cringe at the thought and as I pull, pinch and stretch parts of my body to look younger and fight gravity, I am also more inclined to notice how our society views growing old and the aged.

As I grow older in years, I have become in tune with a new language and a new way of life in how people engage me. How the young see you and what they think of your views,  your opinion. With each new batch of grey hair, yes batch, these silver strands no longer pop up in isolation.  It’s like the Gringe that Stole Christmas decided that the best place to hide the silver tinsel should be on my head. Fortunately, it has the good sense to hide underneath some of the black hair and help me adjust to this new crown of glory.

I think the real challenge was trying not to get offended when your children start referring to you as the old people and make a place for you, in a quiet spot away from the fun and conversation. When I started using the terms more often of “back in the day or when I was young”  That’s when I start checking myself.  Was I like that with my folks? Did I exclude them from much without even asking them what they felt? Human beings have a tendency to sort people into categories. In fact, we’ve been categorizing people since the dawn of civilization.

So, when someone reaches the age of 60/65, he/she will be categorized as a senior citizen, even if that person does not recognize himself or herself as being old or senior. This happens for functional reasons in the workplace and life phases however we never really consider the mental cost that places on a person. I am blessed to have both my parents still with us and living healthy independent lives in their mid-80s.  Yet if I go through the past years it’s amazing how we place aging persons in a cocoon and forget that there is so much they themselves are dealing with, just as we attend to those a teen and their change of life and holding their hands to adapting a whole mental, emotional and physical change, so is it just as important to be sympathetic to those aging into a new season of their lives of the seniors or elderly.  Apart from the physical changes and the worry about losing your youth, and your looks, and embracing the wrinkles. There is the loss of the feeling of being needed, wanted, and loved.

Besides, the chronological age indicated by “old age” can vary both culturally and historically. Unfortunately, there’s always a stigma associated with “old people” and “old age,” and in diverse cultures around the world, the use of different euphemisms are used, such as seniors, senior citizens, older adults, the elderly, and elders to categorize their age. We refer to this age as the autumn of life, the evening of life, the winter of life, and the golden age. Some of these terms can come off as patronizing, and many people don’t like to be categorized as elderly or seniors at all. Instead, they’d rather just be called “old” and face the fact they’re not as young as they once were. Others, see the term “old” as something coated with negative connotations and refuse that type of categorization. Either way, it’s a great place to start and see how you view and see older people in your society.

There is a saying growing old gracefully.  Hahahaha, there is nothing about growing old that is graceful. As a female no longer considered young, once I came to terms with my Christmas Crown, I had to come to terms with the body changes. Oh man, no one is ready for that. As a woman did you know that we do not only grow old, we grow short?  Our hips grow up and are no longer low and shapely.  Our breasts embrace gravity and it seems as though that extra bit of bounce finds its way to our ankles now referred to as kankles. Then there are the personal summers that creep up on you without warning. There is no longer a need to go and sit in a sauna, as your body naturally does this without warning.  This is when you start understanding the term “The Face-towel”  This then comes with the confused owl, who sleeps during a favourite movie and experiences insomnia at the same time. When eating has a timer and all of a sudden your heart burns for overindulging in activities of eating and nothing close to that of the romantic kind. For me apart from the personal summers was embracing my new double chin.  My face literally decided that there needs to be more of me to love.  Taking photos now includes hand holding up your chin, lighting, and positioning. The love rolls and laugh lines take on a whole new level of sexy.

Some people have the challenge of hair and muscles disappearing and around the time the hair on your head starts to disappear, it starts to show up in the strangest places. In men hairs on our noses and ears and in us women we notice small hairs on our chins. The very ones that are pictured in fairy tales of the evil witch. While all this is caused  by hormonal changes, it is most depressing and life-changing, and hey you youngsters, be kind.

In our culture, there is a level of respect given to someone older than you, especially if you are the same age as that person’s children or the person you are speaking to is the age of your parents or your parent’s friend.  We are taught to refer to that person as Aunt or Uncle.  A few Sundays ago I greeted a lady that was friends with my Mom and who was part of the group of women in a church that my mom belonged to. So I called her Aunt….., she vehemently told me that she was not Aunt and that her name was ….. I said I could not call her by her name, and she insisted that I call her by her first name.  That was when I realized I needed to respect her culture and the state of where she was in her life. Maybe she felt closer to me my age and was pulling her face and saying goodness, I am nearly your age, why are you calling me Aunt?

What we need to take from this though is that just as much as we don’t like being put into categories and society filters, we need to become more aware of the gift that an older generation brings. I cannot imagine a society without the wisdom of an older generation. The sad part is that as our societies become more tech-savvy and evolve we become less polite, caring, and conscious of others. I am no specialist in the field so I am speaking purely from a point of my opinion hoping that if you read this you may change your perspective or treat the older person in your home with a better sense of dignity and respect.  As our children are growing up in an age of technology and we as parents are fighting the battle of the screen, what we also are fighting is the loss of family time, family values and the connection we have with each other in society.  Young people barely notice an adult when they walk into their homes or a room.  Most youngsters can sit in the company of older people and never acknowledge them or engage in conversation without a parent or caregiver saying, “please say hello”, “don’t be on your screens while in the company” etc.  And before we know it, there is a void that has occurred and without realizing it we are grooming a generation that does not see its aged members of society. I see the disrespect in the church community, in shopping centers, and in the queues in hospital. In our country watch the elderly stand in line for their pensions, sitting on the sidewalk waiting to be seen in an application line.

A week ago, I was working in my office and I looked up at the commotion and noise outside.  There was a group of 4 teens, 2 boys, and 2 girls.  From what I could see the boys were trying to control the young girls from attacking an older woman.  The young girls were gaining up on her and swearing at her.  One of the young men took the older woman and walked her across the street to get her away from these two wily young ladies doing this older woman harm.  Before I could react, the young man had managed to put the older woman in a taxi to get her away from these two girls who I could have taken over my knee and given a good hiding, just like we got when we were disrespectful to our elders.

I sat there thinking how in some parts of the world, elders continue to be highly respected members of their communities. They are considered custodians of wisdom. Elders in many societies enjoy considerable degrees of social reverence. If a person of power exercises sound judgment, he or she relies upon the wisdom of elders to reinforce important social values or to maintain a sense of social justice. In this way, elders have long been an elemental source of social well-being, so where are we going wrong, What is happening in our society? Aging people has the same challenges, as we all have adapting to a new life, They suffer from low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and stress.  In a community, they may be viewed as stupid, non compliant, ignorant, and a burden.  I hope that in your family and circle of influence, you change the mindset of the young. They may be people that are tucked away, and even seemingly forgotten however, let us remember as we forget and discard so we do all the years of wisdom and experience.

As time has passed through the hourglass, more and more society is using different phrases to explain different stages of life.  60 is the new 50 and 50 the new 40 etc.  This could possibly be to the wellness enlightenment and witnessing those older, dressing more stylish, fashionable, and appealing to the younger generation.  Maybe it’s because you can no longer tell a person’s age simply by looking for wrinkles or grey hair or using aids.  In today’s society we are inundated with anti-aging products, surrounded by media promoting youth and excess, and constantly told that we need to look younger. In all this, it’s easy to sometimes forget the value of age. Things such as wisdom, the priceless value of experience, and the beauty of maturity all accompany the aging process. The passage of time is inevitable, but what we choose to do with that time is entirely up to us. With longevity being a source of enlightenment and older people enjoying their retirement age with a bit of sparkle and passion, the age and lifespan of the aged are increasing, and this sector of a generation growing in numbers.  It’s inevitable to age, no matter how resistant we may be to the idea of growing old. They’re called the golden years for a reason. Getting older has its perks. For one, you’re good at using what you’ve learned. This is called crystallized intelligence, and it keeps getting better, even when you’re in the twilight years.

This little piece of for those like me stepping into the new 40s. How do you view the aging process? Is it tinged with anxiety and regret? Or do you see it as an adventure, a time to find meaning, and a ripening? Or, is it a little of both?  This is a time to embrace life and find your new spunk and self, For me, it’s a time of maturation with fresh eyes, joy for what has been, and optimism for what is to come.

Now I cannot keep my son’s, friends, from calling me “Mother, Mum, Mums or the old lady” and while I am not at the age of accessing all those wonderful 10% discounts on pensioners day, I will look forward to new relationships, life and experiencing growing old will bring. I vow to teach every young person in my space to value the gift of wisdom and life of the elderly.  The right to dignity, respect, and life is not only for the young and middle age, Its for all human life. While the world glorifies youth and degrades old age, the gift of years flies in the face of this conventional wisdom. It is a wonderful celebration of the blessings of growing older and being part of a new network and friendship of clear-eyed and uninhibited thinking. Let us view the wonder years as a gift, not a burden to us or society.

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Tessa Green

Relationship and Behavioural Therapist V

From Bedroom to Boardroom and all relationships in-between