A few years ago I went through a crisis that I would never think would actually affect my life so profoundly and drastically. In the ebs and flow of life you always hear these things happening to other people and take for granted as you offer up a tired whisper of a prayer every night in gratefulness, that’s not your life.
Through my life I have experienced childhood rape, abusive relationships and failed marriages. In fact I always say I have lived way too many lives for one person. I have lost my wealth, IÂ have lost dear and close friends, I lost my church community, I lost my home, I lost my businesses.
Over this time my sons and I have shifted homes 8 times following a messy ugly and exhausting divorce and with that failing at relationships from Bedroom to Boardroom trying to get my groove back.
However apart from all the mess of my not so pretty life story nothing has hit harder or affected my life so much than loosing my health.
As a natural born leader, blessed with purposely designed skills and talents to empower, develop and motivate, I never worked a day in my life. And so the mosaic tapestry of my talents and skills took me into all corners of perople driven industries of skills development, training and Leadership. I was happy. Until one day it all so suddenly became difficult to do. I no longer could stand in a training room all day and do life with what I am so passionate about. I no longer could lecture on human resources, train up businesses or manage a staff of over a thousand on all matters HR, Labour and Training. My days of walking from one end of a construction site to another advising on and effecting change in Health and Safety conditions, policy and procedures. I no longer could get on a bus, a flight, in my car with all my facilitation tricks and tech support at the drop of a hat. Ooooh and let me tell you, there is nothing more excillirating than two or three weeks on the road off to meet new people and experience new places while doing what you love.
And so the day dawned and arrived as fast and as furious, gone in 30 seconds, with opening my eyes to a body that would not respond to a brain on natural overdrive.
And so the next chapter began…
Month after Month sitting for hours from dawn till dusk at a government hospital with your brown file clutched tightly, moving ever so slowly from chair to chair gives you pause…
Loosing your platinum level medical aid card and replacing it with the blue hospital one gives you pause…
Laying on a bed for lengths of time, week in and week out, turning months into years gives you pause…
Having your sons carry you because your body cannot hold you up any longer gives you pause…
Having your 80 year old mother bath, change and cook for your family daily gives you pause…
Watching your 80 year old father get up at 4 in the morning to make porridge for your children and prepare to drive and collect your children wherever their day takes them gives you pause…
Not to mention, as he took the role of pillar and support through every months inevitable musical chairs gives you pause…
The latest entry into this Messy Ministry, having your son come into the shower to help you get up because your nerve endings and crumbling spine does not care if you naked and not decent gives you pause…
Learning to rely on your brothers and sisters to support you financially and emotionally gives you pause.
Allowing the maya angelo few friends that never left you in your crisis and defeat, step in with cash sends, ewallets and weekends visits of wine, goodies and laughter to lie in bed with you gives you pause.
And so you pray and beg. You fight and curse. You ask what and why? You break and you bend. You crumble and fall. You melt in the refiners fire and crumble in the potters hand as He has His way with you whispering wait my daughter, my time not yours.
Yet with unwavering faith, still you lay awake nights in quiet sobbing on questions of why and when…when does this change, when does healing happen, why me, why is my prayers not answered. Why am I overlooked. Where’s is that annoiting and blessings I can sing about.
I poured over scripture about crushing defeat and rising again kinda miracles. Of timing and providence. Of been chosen, of standing on promises of plans of enlarge territory and favour. Of restoration and healing. Of perseverance, purpose and peace. Of unconditional love and annoitted calling. Of deliverance and testimony.
Then as quietly and still as a wind sits on a scorching hot day the Lord reminded me that my mess will be my ministry. With a belief that God spoke directly to me in fleshy cold goosebumps annoiting one sided fight. He moved. Our fight was no longer one sided, not longer silent, and in an exhausted defeated spirit. I knew what I needed to do.
I needed to bring my client base to me and equip myself with skills to meet my new found condition. I had to qualify my gifts God gave me into academic recognized skills so I could begin my journey of recovery.
So pulling up those big-girl panties that always seem to have a worn elastic from years of stretching to every obstacle off the floor. I turned on my laptop and went back to school. I was doing a whole career change, figured I had the time and lots of it. I would study with my boys while I homeschooled them.
So in these past 5 years, through isolation I decide I may not be able to move wherever I want, whenever I want. I would use this forced time to qualify what with my mind, my heart, my soul, my spirit knew was possible.
And here we are today a registered Professional Relationship and Behavourial Therapist internationally accredited Coaching and Counselling practice.
Childhood Trauma = Child & Adolescent Psychology Qualification
Abusive Relationship = Professional Counselling Accreditation with specialized Behavioural therapies.
Failed Marriages = Relationship Management Counselling, Couples Therapy and relationship facilitation.
Surving Divorce = Relationship,Family and Life Coaching Certification and Accreditations in emotional intelligence.
Financial Loss = Business Development and Workplace Relationship Accreditations
Fighting Depression and Daily Battlefield in the mind and Soul = Master Life Coach in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Neuro Lungistic Programming, Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance Forgiveness Transformation and EQ Therapy and purpose driven compassionate mindfulness.
I attended 3 graduation ceremonies from my bed. So moral of the story, your wings my be clipped, but you still have life and life needs to be lived and healing, oh healing comes in all shapes and purpose.
And that’s why God stayed silent. Today I not only have book knowledge, I have lived and survived it. Literally talking practical in-service training to a whole new level. So help me celebrate today, its a new dawn. I don’t know if this new chapter will restore my livelihood amd independence but it certainly has restored my life’s purpose goals and a deepened faith.
Thank you to my family and friends who have stood by me in this journey. I am because of you. And thank you Jesus for healing and restoration to come and that I believe is coming. I have had my two miracles more than most people get in a lifetime. And even if todays health report was not what I wanted to hear, I continue to step forward. I am passionate,faithfull, trusting and driven enough to say… Lord, I’m expecting another miracle, bring on your favour. My thankful heart today is my greatest offering.
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Tessa Green is a Professional Relationship & Behavioural Therapist @ Strategic Workplace Partner /The Pink Couch /Messy Ministry
