Yet as I sat clutching my file which contained the letter YOU ARE HEREBY SUMMONED, all I could hear was the frantic beat of my heart. It was the sound of the summons in my ears all morning. That ear-worm. The sound of dread. The sound of panic. The sound of anger. The sound of frustration. The sound of disbelief. The sound of embarrassment and self-condemnation. That frantic dull thumping that accompanied my morning was the sheer horror of having to go to court with my Dad because I seemed to have been failing as a single mom. At this time of my life, my health was starting to fail and I was walking with crutches already, so my Dad had to drive me and chose to support me through this ordeal. I must have looked like a woman who has the invisible label of abuse written all over as we were misdirected at the courts. As we tried to make our way through to find the right courtroom, we were misdirected onto what seemed like longer than a line on Christmas Eve at a supermarket. I remember thinking, where on earth did all these women come from and where are all the men? For a minute, I thought we were in a horror movie looking at the helpless faces of all the women who turned to look at me, trying to figure out my story. In those seconds of mutual unspoken understanding, my untold story must have been that of empathy and an equally horrific one, when they saw the crutches. Yet today, that was not my story. My story today was the other one told after the escape of abuse, the finances.
It was only when I looked up that I saw we were in the section of the court that dealt with domestic violence and maintenance orders. I cannot begin to explain the look on my Dad’s face when the actual reality of the court system and fighting for the rights of human dignity and life hit him. He squeezed my shoulder in a silent acknowledgement of finally understanding the years of this silent fight. The endurance that brought me to this day. Even though they walked the road with me from day one, they were never privy to what happens in the so-called trenches of surviving abuse and going through a divorce. You tend to keep that horror from your parents. Yet that day, there I was flanked by my Dad on a mission to defend myself on an unpaid school fees summons. In my heart, I said a little prayer of solidarity to the nameless women who littered the corridors awaiting their day in court and we left to find the right room where I was set to appear before a judge.
I had never defaulted on a payment and I have had no bad debt attached to my name, to date. I was horrified that this now actually sat on my lap and I had to defend my name, my credit and my finances. In my hands, I clutched a copy of the maintenance order and by decree, my ex-husband was responsible for school fees. So 2 years of non-payment now sat with me as the signature on file on the school records. My foolish, softhearted approach to dealing with the maintenance order now had come and given me a royal kick in the proverbial behind. I was on the hook and I was baited and sunk, following the swift drop of the judge’s gavel. My day in court was not a success and I left with a ruling that I had to pay the debt. It took me 5 years to pay off the outstanding school fees of my twins. They had matriculated and completed their schooling careers and I was still paying off a primary school debt that my ex-husband had defaulted on. So what is the wisdom to share today?
The lesson learnt, that I hope to impart is that you not to sit back and accept the delayed financial duty of another parent. In my case, I overlooked the short payment, the non-payment, the ridiculous excuses and stories told to get out of why the due assistance was not paid.I felt unarmed to fight this battle. So I chose the passive-aggressive response. I hope this article does more justice for you, as we learn from the experiences of others.
The maintenance order for my boys was that I had full custody. Every other weekend and every Wednesday was the boys access to their father and his to them. Every other school holiday was shared as well as Christmas, New Year’s and Easter. The court awarded a small monetary order for the monthly payment, however, their father was ordered to pay for school fees, medical aid and half of any extra mural activities. Let me deviate here for a minute and just speak to all parents out there using their children as leverage for maintenance payments. Many women(sorry ladies but the stats are such) hold their children back from the other parent like a pawn in a chess game. The strategy is that you will only see your child if you pay. Like they are ransom in a hostage situation. Even though my ex-husband was the most unreliable with paying maintenance I never once denied him access to his children. For me, the relationship between child and parent is paramount and the very thread that binds us in forging a life and growing children into contributing, well-rounded members of society. A healthy nourishing parent-child bond is what can make or break a society, its communities and its families. When we focus on the relationship of the family, we impact the future and its success. So, nothing is worth more than this. I am almost certain you also need a helping hand in care-giving and child-rearing. If you are a single parent, having the other parent actively involved ensures that you have time for rest and recharging your batteries. The battle of finances should be a separate one and not used as a punishment to the father/mother, as you are punishing and depriving that child of the most important relationship of their lives. A parent’s duty to pay maintenance and your right of access to your children are two entirely separate matters and one has no relation to the other.
Now my story is not unique and I have many friends and clients with more or less the same struggle. Yet the maintenance process remains and should be used fully. It is there to protect and prevent lives from falling into poverty and homelessness. And much like every official process in South Africa, it’s a battle that must be fought and endured, irrespective of the hurdles and obstacles. My ex-husband did not put the boys on his medical aid, he did not pay school fees completely or kept up to date with maintenance. I did not know my rights fully. I chose not to fight and it cost me so much personally, and not just financially. I hope you choose differently. Use the system. It is there to protect your rights and the rights of the children.
Maintenance is explained as the obligation of one person to provide another (CHILD) with housing, food, clothing, education, and medical care within the means necessary for providing the person with these essentials. For me, I struggled along and took whatever their father gave when he could. This killed any relationship I had with a significant other after this, going forward, and it always became a contentious issue. In a fight or flight scenario, my personality only has one setting, flight. In a conflict situation my personality has one setting, avoid. In a challenging situation, my personality has one setting, forward. So let’s look at other stories, remembering that maintenance, is a key ingredient for raising children. Child maintenance plays an important role in the upbringing of a child and aims to serve as a way by which both parents can be actively involved in a child’s life.
What we are brought up to believe is that maintenance is a woman’s problem. This is so misdirected. Maintenance is not gender-based. Men can also make use of the Maintenance Act, especially when the roles are reversed and the child’s mother is employed and the father not working. I have a friend who took his girls in because their Mom was in crisis after the divorce and chose to focus on her well-being and social life after the divorce than look after the girls. He paid for their schooling, everything for his girls. And while they lived with him, he sought a maintenance order from his ex-wife to pay something towards the girl’s livelihoods.
The Maintenance age limit is that maintenance should be paid until the child is self-reliant. Unfortunately, the procedures in place in this regard somewhat fall short. According to a client, in his case, he has had his salary garnished from the child’s infancy years. As the child and the mother live in another city where the maintenance order was instituted, he has been told that he would have to go to that court, in that municipality, out of town to cancel the garnish on his salary. He has had no access to his son, has not seen his son and has been paying maintenance of over R4000 a month. His son is now over the age of 25 and still his salary is been garnished. This for me, not only highlights the flaws in our legal system but also the flawed character of the mother. By now, she should do what is right. We are so quick to blame the fathers for not doing their part when there are women who are using the system for ill-gotten gain. She should go herself and stop the garnish on this poor father’s salary. The same way she sought to have it put in place many years ago.
There are legal repercussions for parents who default on child maintenance, this can result in the parent being blacklisted and blocked from getting credit while owing maintenance. Just like a house or a car can be repossessed if you default on instalments and bound repayments, the Sheriff of the court may repossess the household’s goods if maintenance is not paid. The goods will be sold and proceedings will be used to pay for maintenance. Criminal charges can be brought up and jail time can also be imposed.
It is equally important that we educate and encourage all the elderly (grandparents) to seek maintenance instead of using their pension money to take care of their grandchildren. This is a very sad reality of South African youth using their elderly as a scapegoat. Our society is riddled with stories of children being left with the grandparent (mostly grandmother) and both parents are then not around or active in their child’s life. According to the Department of Justice website in an interview with Advocate Nkosi these are some of the common misconceptions about the Maintenance Act and grandparents. She goes on to say that when two minors have a child, the elders from both sides of the family should be responsible for the maintenance of the baby. Unfortunately in most instances, a girl’s family usually carries the burden of raising a baby and this should not be the case. The act states that both families should carry this cost and obligation to raise the child.
The Act maintains that the duty to maintain is based on blood relationship, adoption, or the fact that the parents are married to each other. A child must be supported or maintained by: His or her parents, whether married, living together, separated or divorced, including parents who have adopted the child; and/or his or her grandparents, whether or not the child’s parents were married to each other. However, this varies from one case to another. Your case is unique and you need to do all you can to ensure that you are receiving the necessary support in raising a child.
The Act maintains that a parent may claim reasonable support that is necessary for providing the child or other person who has a right to maintenance with a proper living and upbringing. By proper living, the act includes providing necessities such as food, clothing and housing, as well as paying for a proper education. One of my closest friends has had to look after her 3 children by herself. One of the children is a special needs dependant. The father in this case completely resigned all responsibility. For my friend fighting a battle where the father was deliberately absent, seemed like an uphill battle. Unfortunately like me, she decided it was easier to go it alone than have to argue the right to be supported. This thinking happens especially when you as the parent are gainfully employed and finding the time to be in court seems like such a difficult impossible task, and choosing a simpler life is better than a continuous battle of fighting for money. Unfortunately, I think decisions like this is where many parents do not do what is the responsible and right thing for their children. Our choices not to fight also deny the children a better and stress-free life.
The court may also order the father to contribute to the payment of hospital expenses and maintenance from the date of the child’s birth up to the date on which the maintenance order is granted. To enable the court to grant a fair maintenance order, both parties must provide the court with proof of their expenses. Unfortunately, this too can be taken to the extreme. My partner had to pay maintenance of R6000 a month for his 4-year-old son who was not even attending school as yet. His ex-wife would claim for everything from, half of the haircuts, right down to half of the child use of the pool that was on her property.
The lessons learnt here boil down to one thing. The other parent’s behaviour does not affect your children’s right to maintenance. You still have to pay maintenance. This is a child’s right, even if the other parent: remarries, is involved in another relationship, does not allow you to see the children or if either party later has more children. Every relationship dynamic is unique and different, and the cases and costs will vary according to means. However; no matter what your circumstances, maintenance for a dependent is necessary and should be treated as such.
