…You should have listened. I am alone at a crossroads, I’m not at home in my own home… – Beyonce
Nestled in the beautiful city of Pietermaritzburg, is a formidable, united, prayerful, close-knit suburb. Forged many years ago by a government that constituted the group areas act. Brought together, to live together, a community I was fortunate to grow up in. A community that knows its neighbours and directions means you literally picture the family on the corner, up the road, at the left turn. Whose children walk the streets and the aged Granny that sits on her veranda swaying gently on her rocking chair, knows exactly to whose family that child belonged. A community that stands together irrespective of faith and denomination…A community that this week has lost one of its own.
A young, beautiful, talented, confident, prayerful, sociable woman, mother, daughter, sister, and friend was taken away from this life in a brutal, violent, and tragic way. Gunned down at the hands of the man she believed to be her person, her one, her soul mate, the love of her life.. the Father of her children. Taken away because of jealousy, resentment, cowardness and I can only imagine hatred. It had to be right. That’s the only thing that makes sense that drives another person to break, steal and destroy life.
This week her life trends in our community circle far and wide. Today we are forwarding, sharing, and updating our social media pages of #sayhernane #justicefordelana #nobail, etc. But I know how this story ends. A week, a month, a year from now, no one will be saying her name daily, no one will be talking about this beautiful life, and NO one will continue daily to # (hashtag) the life of Dee brings us today. But her family will remember, her friends will remember, yet still, an ugly and disturbing reality of our human condition is that we move on to the next story, the next trend. Women’s Day will come up, 16 days of activism will come up and once again we as a country will remember to “#saytheirnames” and start calling for an end to Gender Based Violence. An end to domestic violence, and an end to the senseless murders that take place in our homes, communities, and streets. However, there are a few things wrong here, and nothing will change until…
Until such time as the cries of a person in a broken and abusive relationship are heard and taken seriously, we will never be free of GBV.
Until such time that a person can stand up and share their truth without gossip and judgment, we will never be free of GBV.
Until such time as a faith-based community can get behind a person who needs help and not force them to stay because of vows and commitment, we will never be free of GBV.
Until such time as a person is treated with dignity and respect by authorities and our legal system, we will never be free of GBV.
Until such time as the system that is meant to protect us, no longer drags its feet with swift and hard action, we will never be free of GBV.
No amount of #sayhername will bring her life back, and no amount of #justicefordelana will matter, if gaining a restraining order or interim protection order belittles, condemns, or makes the victim feel weak and at fault, we will ever be free from GBV.
Until such time as we listen to the cries of someone in the invisible chains of a relationship are heard, we will never be free of GBV.
Until such time as we learn to respect, protect, honour life, and love and each other, we will never be free of GBV.
Until such time as we stop ONLY talking about these tragedies when they occur or once a year for 16 days, we will never be free of GBV.
I sit here at my desk, looking out onto the beautiful sight before me as the sky meets the sea, no longer residing in my beloved community, yet today all I can do is weep with my community and think of all my friends I have lost to the hands of a jealous lover. And so I weep with the community I miss. And so I weep with my community once again shattered by violence and murder. And so I weep with my community whose very fiber has been shaken and come undone by the senseless and what could have been stopped, the senseless murder of a beautiful life. Had we just learned from all the other times we lost a sister, daughter, mother, friend and the hands of their person! My community Weeps, I weep, as I think back at my escape when I was alone at a crossroad when my silent voice and broken heart cries were also that I am alone in my own home.
We can do more than a #. We can do more than share, like, or update. We can do more every day. We can do more by actually stopping the gossip when we see a relationship in trouble. We can do more by reaching out and standing beside a broken and hurt someone instead of trying to be the first one to upload. We can do more by making ourselves available to someone in Crisis. I know what you saying, but how do we know when someone needs us? Believe me, if you become a person that someone knows that no matter what, they can call on you, reach out to, and share without judgment and persecution you will know. Become a person that will accompany a person in fear and crisis to lay a charge. Support that person when the system makes them appear in court more than once before getting an interdict or protection. Our approach is not like the script of a movie, restraining orders are not issued immediately. Our first responders do not respond immediately. Our 911 does not exist, and neither do the wheels of justice move faster and swiftly.
So let’s say all their names, every day. Not just for a few days. Make your mark today and decide how best you could listen. God knows I as I weep with my community, I know I never felt more alone sitting on the concrete stairs, in the cold, at 3 am in the morning, afraid to go home and have no idea who I could call. There is never a loneliest time when you are crippled by fear and afraid of the gossip and you need help… There is never a more confusing time when you have to recount, recall and remember every detail, every word, the exact time and place, sitting in front of a judge, in court, with your partner staring at you with a smirk smile as you are drained for answers of one of the worst and frightening experiences of your life.
My ex-husband used to tell me of ways he could take me out and no one will be the wiser. That they would never be able to trace it back to him. How he would get rid of me and how easy it would be. Had I known I had to write all this down, remember every disgusting and filthy word that he chose to describe his feelings and love for me? Had I known that when I had to seek help and protection that it would require long hours at the police station, waiting for someone to hear me, and attend to me? Had I known that I had to bring my A-game when I was way beyond using my words and only could communicate in tears and quivering fear1
I wish my community did not have to weep. I wish it never ever had to weep. I wish I never could speak of a firsthand understanding that before Dee became a statistic she was trying to use her voice for use to listen.
So we can do more before we are calling survivors of GBV to talk of their experiences before survivors of GBV are trending because their book was published and they are now hot property to have as a guest speaker before survivors even have a story to tell.. let’s do more. We can respect each other in relationships. Even if it’s not a marriage. We in relationships are human, so be human and compassionate and kind, do not choose the destruction of it. Bad things happen with weak people.
And so to you Wendy my Darling friend. I cannot imagine your pain. You supported every platform of mine when I lived and worked in our community. You supported the voice I gave to women. You supported my efforts to raise awareness about women knowing their worth. You supported me as a survivor when a few years later your OWN daughter would be a victim. I am praying for you, I weep with our community and weep desperately with you, I hope we can do more than just weep in the future. #violenceneedstoend. PERIOD!
As a side piece, I know every community weeps… and we all have the same issue. Angry Lover with Guns, Hateful people doing hurtful things, so my community weeps together with a beloved country, which every day has this kind of tragedy strike.
What would the conversation be if D’s husband had not shot her down? Would everyone have spoken about how he went to her work function and embarrass her? What would the gossip be? We need to do better, until then we will never be free from GBV
Let’s not only act when it’s too late. My Mom always says, don’t put flowers at my funeral or at my grave. I want flowers now when I can enjoy them, smell them, and admire them when I am here. When I am gone it’s too late.
So, support the local artist now, and play the music they are trying to get out there. Buy their tracks, and book them for gigs. Open your door to a person in need. Award everyone trying to make a change. Support volunteers in your community. A crisis center will never work in a community afraid that their story will not be safe and not gossip tomorrow. Reach out to that person alone in their own home. Be a better person in your relationships. Stop the scandal and start listening. We may never be free from GBV however we can free another Delana, Melanie, Yvette, Tessa and every other nameless victim and survivor from it.
