OPINION: I AM SHE, SHE IS ME AND I AM HER

A Father says to his daughter 10 years old, that the man over there with the grey hair is going to be your husband. We met and he paid the bride’s price.  You are his now. In another part of the world, a widow is been discarded to the streets to a life of a beggar because she has no rights without a husband. With a hop skip and jump and we are surrounded by an angry mob of a community yielding sticks and throwing stones at a head of a woman sticking out of the ground who has been buried alive save her head for torture and death. This is because she has been accused of having an affair or caught in adultery. Funny thing is, there is no man being put to death with her, it is clear she was having an affair with herself.   I say with herself because the married accused who would have laid with is nowhere to be seen, he does not stand accused and being put to death, only her.  With a click of your heels and we stand together, piled in line sardines into a moving truck.  We do not know where it is going, only that we have already been drugged, raped, and starved for a few days before we were placed on a truck on the highway to hell to be sold into a life of slavery and indescribable sexual, mental and physical abuse. With a shake and twist of the bed nob and you down south of the equator where the lives of the young girl are subjected to wearing a cloth to school during their menstrual cycle. The conditions of the toilets do not allow for anything but shame and disgust of the sanitary conditions of the lavatories. She cannot go to school on these days and chooses to stay home apart from the unhygienic conditions at her school to save herself from the ridicule and shame of having her period and nothing but reused cloth for the privacy of her flow.  And further on at home is her momma taking her place in the ques at the community’s only clean drinking water tap stand.  It is still dark and women are waiting in line with buckets to fill with water which she will balance on her head and carry in her two hands to prepare the fires and home for everyone to be able to clean, eat and get ready for school and work, including her. At least I forget a jump down the rabbit’s hole and we sit with the woman who is been beaten in an inch of her life for daring to pick up a book and wanting to learn something, so she can earn something.

14 years ago I started my company The WoW Factor Institute.  The vision behind the company was to bring to the discussion all things women including all the issues that affect us here at home.  This gave birth to my Talk-show Tessa and Friends on the Pink Couch.  The vision here was to give women a place to share their stories and to start building on transformation in the idea, creation, purpose, and fundamental essence of who and what it means to be a woman. I would play around with acronyms for the WOW. Women of Wealth, Women of Work, Women of Wisdom, yet nothing fitted more than that of  Women of Worth.  For me, our worth as humans let alone women is the answer to many of the issues plaguing women globally.  When you take away the identification of a person worth in any scenario, you take away their freedom to be the best of who they are, when you take away a person’s worth, you diminish their value to an object.  When you take away a persons worth, the more you can excuse your behavior of devaluing their lives and essentially giving you the power and excuse to own, abuse, and control.  In South Africa we celebrate women’s month in August, however, I felt that I could not let this month of International Women go by without highlighting some of the many issues that still plague women in our communities, and in our societies across the world over.

Since my journey of losing everything in the “fire” that being the mess of my divorce, I have been trying to add an element to my services that does not come across as a Feminist and only focus on women.  This is what I have been told numerous times that I have a tendency to only advocate for the rights of women.  This is far from the truth however, I can see how my trauma and past life story could have sent that message in my writings. In my defense, the world has not made it any easier.  Everywhere you look the plight of women is screaming at us.  The voices of the voiceless are heard through the tragedies we read about daily across the world.  I do believe that the answer lies in men and the power they yield through the centuries of a message that women are a lesser species and are nothing and useless without men.  And in that framework, thought and the idea emerged that has shaped relationships, family life, work life, society, and every issue in communities to this day. For as long as men think of women as inferior beings we will never be able to change the mindset that women are a commodity that can be bought and sold, a thing to use and abuse, a weaker person that does not deserve the pay equal to that of her male counterparts, or a wife that can be controlled, manipulated and in service to her man. Ever notice that when the wedding officer pronounces the two married he says I now pronounce you Man and Wife? It is these little things that can be changed to transform the suggestion of words. Words are powerful and transformative, we need to use them wisely. (Disclaimer I do not by no means mean all men. And if you are one of the brothers standing in the fight for awareness and advocacy, I honour and thank you)

Right here in present-day South Africa, women are faced with a wide range of issues that affect their everyday lives, such as domestic violence, child abuse, HIV/AIDS, unemployment, gender discrimination as well as poverty. It is against this background that women then organized themselves within the community to take up these challenges and try and change policy. I am certain more can get done beyond the marches.  It takes those men in power and the women in power positions to do something more life-changing and lasting in our societies. The statistics have changed and more and more women hold positions of influence and power. There are more and more women walking the halls of justice and sitting on a seat in parliaments across the world, yet in the 21 century, we are still dealing with 13-century (as far back as the dawn of time) mentalities and behaviour towards women.

Women are the epitome of strength, love, sacrifice, and courage. The role of women in today’s world has changed significantly and for the better. In some countries in the world, women are now self-sufficient, well-aware, and financially independent. They have attained immense success in every field, whether it is sports, politics, or academics. Yet still, with this absolute 380 that society has made in the position of women globally, there are still unthinkable atrocities afflicted on women and the girl child every day.

While I was putting together this article I was debating with myself as to whether this drum is not beaten too much every day with no change.  However the fact that March is International Women’s Month and within this month South Africa celebrates Human Rights Day, I saw the glaring similarity between the two advocacy and awareness days.  The whole existence of International Women’s Day is to highlight the many rights of women that are not been met, addressed, and supported across the globe.

Now I for one am the most hopeless conversationalist when it comes to politics, current events, and really anything that involves state vs society conversations. I say this with a sprinkle of salt as I get way too passionate about the actual problems that the intellectualizing and academia of politics and who’s who and who needs to be rewarded, elevated, and notarized. So much like all my articles I need to address a topic in the simplest and purest form for comprehension with the aim of quick draw-aha moments and hopefully inspire radical on-ground transformation through everyday relationship action.

When I was going through my divorce I was amazed to witness firsthand how quickly places of security and comfort can quickly become places that continue to pull you down and seek to further hold the balance of power over you as a woman.  In the church leadership, forgetting ultimately that the only power of acceptance and forgiveness one seeks is from God, yet man still manages through status, position, and power to oppress in your weakness and vulnerability.  In the courts and legal system the fear that you already present with is further laud over you by those in authority and profession that you are silenced into submission and acceptance simply by the sheer power of the badge, desk, or position. And here we thought that one of our generational whoop whoops would be that the servant/master-slave/owner dynamic is a horrific social injustice that past generations are guilty of and one that we in the 21^st century have irradiated.  In my opinion, we haven’t, we have just put a prettier, cleaner, open letter of permission across the board.

The threat of harm is a human constant but by any reasonable measure. While in America statistics show that women are among the safest, freest, healthiest, and most opportunity-rich women on earth. It is said that in many ways, they are not just doing as well as men, as women are surpassing them. The picture is different in the developing world. In countries like Bangladesh, Saudi Arabia, Cambodia, and Egypt where women are contending with practices such as honor killings, genital mutilation, acid burning, child marriage, and gender apartheid. However, through all this, there is a change for good that is taking place. The number of educated women in these countries has reached critical mass and they are making their presence felt. Wajeha Al-Huwaider has been called the “Rosa Parks of Saudi Arabia.” In 2008, she created an international sensation by posting a video of herself driving a car. Until a few months ago, women were not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. Because of women like her, the laws are beginning to change. Dr. Hawa Abdi, a 71-year-old Somalian doctor, and lawyer is said to be “equal parts Mother Teresa and Rambo.” She founded a hospital and refugee camp in rural Somalia that offers a safe space to nearly 100,000 of the world’s most imperiled men, women, and children. Under her leadership, the settlement is evolving into a model civil society. The challenges facing women in the developing world are daunting. But for the first time in history, a formidable army of brave and resolute women is on the march. (WHO & UN statistics, text extract, and acknowledgment)

According to a blog by World Health Organization about issues affecting women across the world, they have cited that Women in the world, particularly in developing and middle-income countries, face the far more elemental problem of still being considered property. Saudi Arabia’s system, for one, is open about this relationship, requiring women to get the permission of their male “guardian” to enroll in school, travel or take a job. But in many countries, women are still forced to be legally and socially subservient to men, with no means of gaining financial or social independence, much less equal agency. A global women’s movement must thus focus on creating legal and social conditions in which women and men have equal access to nutrition, health care, education, jobs, and the ability to control their bodies and choose a mate. We will be making progress when parents around the world greet the birth of a girl with equal pleasure and expectation as the birth of a boy.

On the global front, perhaps the most important issue for the international community is empowering the voices of women. Right now, women and young girls everywhere face an immense range of challenges—from the inability to access food, education, and employment to the threat of gender-based violence. Their perspectives and experiences must help shape our collective future. If we want to forge the best solutions for expanding peace and security moving forward, then we need to give smart, dynamic, and strong women a seat at the decision-making table—both here at home and around the world. Equality (or the lack thereof) is a recurring issue when it comes to women and girls, whether it’s unequal access to schooling for girls in developing countries or unequal pay for women in the workplace. In a world where 95% of countries are led by a male head of state, it’s clear that we as a global community have a long way to go before women are given a fair shake.

The year 2006 was a landmark year in which we celebrated the massive Women’s March to the Union Buildings in Pretoria 50 years ago. Women throughout the country had put their names to petitions and thus indicated anger and frustration at having their freedom of movement restricted by the hated official passes. The bravery of these women (who risked official reprisals including arrest, detention and even banning) is applauded here.

So what does being an International Woman today mean?  It means celebrating who we are; it means seeing how strong we are. It means speaking up to continually make life better for the next generation of women. Why? Because we are strong and we are formidable. We will be heard, we will be recognized and we will make a difference! We need to ensure that every woman and girl is given the possibility to lead life to her fullest potential.

We salute them as we do all women across the world who daily try to change their story and history by giving a voice to the voiceless through radical mindset change and enforceable policy.

_________________________

Tessa Green

Relationship and Behavioural Therapist

From Bedroom to Boardroom and all relationships in-between