I am crazy mad about all things relationships. The roles they play in our lives, the profound impact they have, the intricate dynamics, and the life-giving force that can either uplift or devastate us. February throughout the world is associated with the month of Love. Even if we are not romantically involved or inherently romantic, deep within us, the month of love evokes feelings of nostalgia, excitement, and for some, dreams of encountering that special someone whose affection will be declared on the day when all gestures of love, no matter how trivial, are perceived as romantic and a prelude to a love story in the making. While I will reserve my gushing celebration of love article for the next week, in this piece, I aim to explore the love that brings pain, the love that wears a mask, the love that kills you from within and through my narration hopefully connect with my readers who need encouragement to break free and understand the role they play in someone else life.
I entered into a marriage at a young age, far younger than what is deemed acceptable in contemporary society. I certainly cannot imagine my sons committing to marriage at this stage in their lives and they are older now than I was. In hindsight, it appears that the warnings regarding my youth were indeed valid. Lately, I find myself reflecting on life from the perspective of the adults who guided me during my formative years, particularly that of my parents. It seems to hold true that with the passage of time comes not just knowledge, but true wisdom.
Diving deeper into the theme of “when loving you is killing me,” I am drawn to the solemn pledge of “I love you till death do us part” that is exchanged in a marriage ceremony or eternal commitment to a significant other. This vow embodies a profound declaration, especially for those fortunate souls who have discovered genuine love – a love that is unconditional and enduring, lasting until the final breath of one partner, WOW! However, what about those for whom this pledge carries a literal weight, where the affection and companionship shared pose a threat to one’s well-being, or worse, jeopardize one’s life? While this phrase is often reserved for your wedding day to signify a lifelong dedication to one’s partner, it stands as a poignant and sacrificial resolve to navigate life’s journey together. Yet, at what point do we/ are we ready to realise that this affection is more detrimental than beneficial to our very existence? When do we recognize that the love that is radiating in our lives is, in fact, the very force that is causing our demise? When do we acknowledge the warning signs and summon the courage to detach ourselves? Whether this realisation dawns upon you in an unhealthy marriage, a suffocating relationship, or an all-consuming new romance, recognising when your presence in someone else’s life is inflicting harm upon you is the crucial moment to put an end to your hurting and step away.
I would like to address two issues in this article that I hope will either prompt you to retract Cupid’s arrow lodged in your heart or prevent that arrow from causing further harm to your heart.
Shew now I am at a loss as to which romantic love encounter to recount, as Cupid’s arrow has struck my heart numerous times, albeit more often leading to heartbreak than to genuine, all-in enduring happiness. Let me begin with a love affair that lifted me to the heavens from the very start. It was the kind where, on the initial date or in today’s context, through text conversations, you are showered with declarations like, “You are the only one who truly understands me. I envision my future with you. You are my soulmate, my perfect match, and I cannot fathom my existence without you.” You know, 0 to 100 in 30 seconds. As I remember it actually was “Darling, I would move mountains for you, you are my life, my search is over” This smooth individual had set their sights on me and with unwavering devotion pursued me relentlessly. The excessive adulation and flattery can truly sweep a person off their feet. And it certainly did. I fell right onto the altar. The rapid declarations of love, the extravagant gestures. Oh, I speak from the depths of my heart as someone who has loved deeply and passionately; this level of initial infatuation is intoxicating and euphoric, enveloping you in a whirlwind of love. Or so it seems. I later learnt, there is a term for this conduct in a relationship, it’s called “Love Bombing.” My Love Bomber arrived with gifts, sweet gestures that seemed to have a solution for every problem I faced, a solution with no boundaries in terms of what he would do for me. And oh, did I fall hard. I responded to every text, answered every call, canceled plans with friends, and concocted excuses to skip family gatherings because I was being courted and charmed by my love bomber. I was the talk of the office with the flowers, chocolates, and lunches he delivered. I would excuse myself from meetings to take his calls. I would stay up all night conversing on the phone or replying to texts. I was bombarded with what I now recognize, after years of observation, as an emotional manipulation tactic involving excessive compliments and attention to gain eventual control. And just as swiftly and intensely as these wonderful gestures arrived, so did the manipulation and control. You see, I had already distanced myself from family and friends. I had already succumbed to the insidious art of love through manipulation. My love bomber exhibited both a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde persona, and I was the unsuspecting prey caught in his deceitful web before realizing the devastating toll on my shattered heart and fragile psyche.
Now, I understand that some of you may feel uncertain in the current situation, with some individuals out there embodying the role of the Love Bomber. There are some women who may actually desire to experience being love bombed, as it guarantees them a Valentine’s Day filled with roses, exquisite meals, fine fragrances, delectable chocolates, indulgent spa treatments, generous gestures, and deliveries of delightful surprises. There is nothing really wrong with enjoying such luxuries, and it is indeed exciting if you happen to be one of the fortunate recipients of these lavish gifts this month. However, it is crucial to reflect upon the potential implications and expectations associated with accepting such extravagant gestures.
As a human being, the act of giving is inherently never truly selfless. An individual who bestows without anticipation of reciprocation embodies a rare and unique soul. Encountering such individuals places one in the realm of a contemporary fairy tale, where happily ever after is not merely a fantasy but a tangible reality. Something some very rarely get to truly experience.
But what about those individuals for whom this serves as the precursor to Mr. Hyde entering their lives? I urge you to ponder these questions: How long will their ability be to sustain the grand gestures and lavish acts of generosity? How long will their unwavering presence persist with calls or texts throughout the day with nothing but sweet words of heart-pounding declarations? There exists no flawless scenario where this dynamic remains unchanged. Even the most wealthiest of individuals capable of upholding such a heightened level of lavish attentiveness will inevitably transition into a state where they yearn to be cherished for their inner qualities. It is impractical for you to reciprocate the same level of attention by dedicating your existence solely to this individual. There exists no realm that exists where this is possible. Yet in your Love Bombers mind, is what is expected. For you to succumb. Eventually, you start to live your lives and the Love Bombing stops and the manipulation starts. You have been groomed.
The persona of Mr. Hyde, whether male or female, exudes mastery in manipulation and control. The occasions on which you chose to cancel commitments with friends and family to be in their company are all strategic moves aimed at isolating you and gaining control over your life. The instances where you neglected work duties or exited meetings prematurely to engage in flirtatious exchanges have now resulted in tarnishing your reputation, jeopardizing contracts, or even leading to the loss of your job, rendering you entirely reliant on them. The subtle signs of passive-aggressive behaviour, such as their sulking when you talking with a friend or with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe its the storming out of the room with great drama due to your responding to a social media direct message. What initially was thought as endearing gestures of love and affection where they only wanted to be with you has since escalated into a pervasive personality trait, making it a daily struggle to evade their gaslighting tactics or you opting for silence to maintain peace. Before you realize it, the love bomber who initially showered you with attention has shattered your dreams and robbed you of happiness, who with each passing day grins at your gradual surrender to their manipulative grip and influence.
I am surrounded by people in my life who openly share their romantic experiences with me. As a mother of boys and being in close proximity to their friends, I witness firsthand the initial stages of attraction. Just recently, I cautioned one of them to tread carefully as they seemed to be falling deeply and swiftly into what seems to be another love interest in as many weeks. Another confided in me about the complexities of modern-day attraction and love and how materialistic it has become. As a hopeless romantic, I understand the allure of racing hearts, dizzying thoughts, and dreamy gazes, but even a deer caught in the glare of a speeding car experiences such sensations. While we may not be deer, we too have warning signs we must pay heed to.
Look out Mr. Hyde who has replaced Dr Jeykll you fell for. Be attentive for the guilt tripping used to induce feelings of guilt or obligation soon after the love bombing expires. This manipulating behaviour creates a sense of indebtedness, thus straining the relationship. Look for signs where your relationship seemed to have started out flawlessly but has become a turbulent roller-coaster ride and you are doing everything to maintain peace. Emotional manipulators isolate you from supportive relationships to weaken external sources of support. You realise you no longer have family or friends around that you can turn to. Could be that your partner has gradually assumed control over various aspects of your life, now you have realised that you have been dis-empowered and have no sense of self. What started out as intense words of love and commitment are now replaced with gaslighting responses using to discredit your experiences, emotions, and actions, resulting in the eating away of your sanity. Your love bomber turn manipulator achieves this through exploiting your insecurities and using your vulnerabilities for personal gain or control, causing you to self-doubt and and become dependent on him/her. This emotional manipulator uses emotions and your own feelings to establish control, creating pressure to strengthen their manipulative control over you.
It is paramount to recognize that a authentic someone will continue to fall in love with you and stay interested in you without assuming entitlement to your time and attention. Such a person does not conceal aspects of themselves that do not line up with your expectations. They remain consistent in their genuineness over time. We all seek love, yet at times, we hold onto it for too long, unknowingly allowing ourselves to wither away from fear or self-loathing, slowly killing ourselves. It is crucial to establish boundaries regarding what you will and will not tolerate. Especially when the initial romance fades, and only the arduous work of nurturing love on a daily basis remains. Identifying your criteria for a suitable love interest will save you the heartache and communicating this early in the relationship can make all the difference between meeting Dr. Jekyll consistently instead of the true Mr. Hyde who may have been hiding until the lights dim and he has you fully in his grasp.
Valentine’s Day is a delightful occasion dedicated to sharing and experiencing love, reveling in romantic bliss, and being captivated by the affection of a love interest. However, if you seek a lifelong commitment characterized by selflessness, unconditional love, completeness, and mutualness, remember to learn your place in someone’s life. Avoid overstaying your welcome and depriving yourself of genuine love by falling for the superficial displays of affection on just one day of the year. The cost to you could far exceeds what money buys for a moment, even for the experience of Cupids arrow straight through your heart.
