I remember being a little lady in waiting in senior primary school and having the joy of arriving from a classroom break to see a little note on your desk saying will you be my Valentine? Now let me explain for an 80s tween there was nothing that can come close to the first boy to tell you he likes you. Oh, the happiness, And with that wide-eyed joy you read the note all day over and over. The little poem that to a little girl with stories of knights in shining Armour and riding happily ever after, off into the sunset, swirling in her head, nothing could come close. To the magic of being part of a budding fairy tale romance. Oh, the elation to know that out of all the girls you are the one, The giggles and gaggles of innocence as you shared this treasure with those girlfriends you held so dear. would nudge, push, and encourage the budding romance of glimpses, giggles, and sharing lunchtime sandwiches. The boy who would walk with you and sit behind you has let the whole world know that he loves me.
And so the poem to rival any and all poets, past, present and to come, did not hold a candle to receiving a Roses are Red poemwritten in cursive with his ink well fountain tip pen;
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Can it be true
That my heart has found you.
And so the day arrives you wait excitedly for this poet to reveal himself with his treasure trove of gifts and more beautiful words. And through the day, a packet of chips, a little hard-hearted sweet purposely selected to tell you all of loves wonders on that little sweet. Not forgetting his father’s deodorant sprayed on the note of, tick the box yes/no or maybe that has been given you. And just like that you hold the entire manual you need for a love of a lifetime, definitely schooled and preened by an older mentor. Your valentine, lovingly, skillfully, thoughtfully executing his first lessons in love.
Then we grow up. And poof, The wide-eyed innocence is replaced with everything but that feeling you yearn for as a child’s crush, which for me rivals that of any woman in love. And so we grow up to find that this beautiful word gets used so regularly and the love notes and little treats from the biggest hearts have been replaced with the biggest treats from the smallest of hearts. Love becomes a place of broken hearts, hidden agendas, conquests, fear, shame, neglect, accusations, secrecy, adultery, and pain. The problem being as this now becomes the commonplace and excused behaviour indisguise. We throw the word “love” around so much that it has become meaningless and common. We “love” that new restaurant.
We “love” that movie. We “love” curry. We “love” our friend’s new nails, We “love” that fine body that just walked by. We say it so much that it doesn’t seem to mean as much when we say it to each other., or to God. It’s lost in the common existence of everyday trifling and flirting to get hooked up, afraid to be alone on a weekend or God forbid a day that is commonly known as BMW (Baby Making Weather) As if the world needs more babies brought into a world of pain and destruction of lives needing love, with no idea how to give love.
Love used likened to coins in an arcade that gets pushed and pulled but never really fall, or the playing the strategic game plan to grasp the coveted stuffed animal with a metal claw. Purposely designed for you and I, just with enough skill, every time you think this is it, it falls and you miss the mark and the prize.
And so we use up the word, its meaning, and its deep purpose every day, with the lazy sentiment, Oh I love those shoes, I just love that artist, I love that colour, I love that outfit, I love the way that fits you, I love cake, I love wine, I love love love and I love you. If you google anything about love on the internet today you will find everything from 8 types of love, 4 stages of love, 14 days to love, the best secrets to love, take the test to know if he loves you, if she loves you, the stars are aligned and love is in your future and so on and so on… And just like that, as quickly as texting and sexting have become commonplace, LOVE HAS BECOME COMMON.
Yet the love we need, the love we seek, the love we yearn for, the love we dream about, the love we have out of our reach is the love of childhood innocence, love that is steadfast, love that is true, love that is meant for every heart and everyday, yet definitely not commonplace.
What has become common is common actions and common declarations that are now the excuse under the guise of love and so marred by countless new urban vocab of spewed words like entanglements, just sex, fulfillment-seeking affairs, shady booty calls, and noncommitted vibing, smashing. Yet with all the trimmings and grandiose romantic gestures that are now swapped out by paying with your body, with yoga selfie poses, your dignity, your self-worth, your peace of mind, and your beautifully coveted already paid-for soul. We give up everything to a commonly used word called love.
A night of fine dining and intoxicating wine, whispers of love and promises of forever after and before long you are not even part of the commonly used phrase of I love her,
I love him. Once the claws are attached and the coins having fallen, nothing is left but a common thread of using, abuse and disregard for you.
I have recently been asked what is the big deal about Valentine’s Day, Why do we have to wait for one day in the year to show someone we love them? Isn’t it just a day commercialized for shops to gain and men to suffer?
My answer is dear reader so has Easter and Christmas become so, yet we put in the time in queues for the best food and gifts. So my thinking is Valentine’s Day is great because Love needs a reminder. It needs that extra bit of help, just as days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Women’s Day, Workers Day, Bosses Day, and Valentine’s Day to give us time to pause, time to reflect. They remind us to celebrate love, to share it, to revive it, to listen to it, to respect it, to nature it, and give it away without expecting anything in return.
Love is the enjoyment and euphoria of a little note from a secret valentine of a childhood crush, Love is the couple that puts in the time, effort, and commitment every day to stay on course. Love is a husband telling his wife she rocks his world, Love is a wife who eagerly does the same. Love is an 80 year old couple who go through life with one heart beat and one purpose. Love is in the kindness of a stranger that takes the time to lift you up and touch your soul. Love is a verb that needs daily affirmation, daily effort of doing, sharing and celebrating. Love is the quiet place of a couples bedroom or a child’s uncapped joy of sticky messy hugs and love in the unstoppable force of a parents prayers and love is in her gentle words and his loving touch. Love just is… and Love needs to become commonplace, as common as the 14th of February because this type of love we all need to not just hear but experience is rare and uncommon and the world needs reminding and celebrating.. The little note, the very costly little sweet, and ever-elusive red rose and blue violets from his mommy’s garden will forever evade us but it does not mean we need to stop trying to attain it. With the knowledge, we were created to love, that we are love, so maybe, just maybe, It is not a lack of love in our lives, but a lack of working on that love of lasting friendship and fidelity for in that love a not so common gesture can become commonplace. So if there is any test, exercise, or wisdom you looking for, I am an advocate of the 5 love languages.
As they can filter through all relationships, from romantic to platonic ones. Tell. her your order of preference and find out hers. Before we can love, let’s learn how to love, to practice it, to be vulnerable to it, and to commit to it, if forever love is what you desire. Love is hardwork and the spark needs attention daily and a little extra fanning on commercialized silly special days with a history of martyrdom and sainthood. We all looking for an undying, song lyrics, moon and stars kind love, but I guess we will only start that journey where we go to the efforts of making love a commonplace in our lives.
The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
So, before next week, what you do is sit together and ask your partner to place these five in order of importance for them. So for example if your partner feels number 5 is 1 for her or him, then dear heart…. You need to be gifting this Valentine’s Day. If they have put quality time as their number one, then huni make that beautiful unrestricted date night work without expecting the physical reward.
We must remind ourselves of what love truly is: It is not the love of the latest fad, or the yummiest dessert. It is the deep abiding love of a God who created us and gave us each other to share this beautiful love with. Through this love, we are compelled to love others. Love is the most powerful force in the world, and it comes from only one place and there is nothing common about it, So this year and going forward in all relationships find love and know your worth and celebrate the love that comes from it.
Love can become commonplace especially if a young school boy figured it out long before he needed to and made this girl have the best memories of what love should look like and feel like.
____________________________________________________
“From Bedroom to Boardroom and all your relationships in between”
Email: tessawowfactor@gmail.com
