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William Gibson in this quote drives home the rush of substance abuse which can go from being enjoyable to a full-blown addiction that controls a person walking thoughts and actions Like in a bad relationship, in the beginning, using drugs and alcohol may feel good. Love and addiction can have this in common. However, at a certain point, it becomes difficult to achieve the same initial high. It creeps up on you and as the body builds up a tolerance, increasing amounts of the substance are needed to feel the desired effects. At the same time, many begin to develop dependence, meaning without the drug, they will feel negative physiological and physical effects. These factors combined can lead to addiction. Things can quickly turn destructive as getting drunk/ high or winning more and more becomes a priority. Over time people will try to recreate the feeling of the first time they engaged in that activity. They will eventually struggle to recognize the level of control that alcohol and drugs now have over their lives. On a personal level, the costs of addiction are steep. Losing relationships, financial stability, personal freedoms, loss of custody of children, overdose, and even death can be common outcomes for many. The age-old question is how do we protect our children from this?
One of my deepest and most consistent prayers is that my sons do not fall into the trap of addiction and abuse of all forms of entertainment and means this world offers them/us. There is so much out there and it’s evolving at a pace we cannot keep up with. More so, media does not help us. The advertising and communication of these vices are all-alluring to the senses. The message if you are not with it, part of it, experiencing it, you are not in the cool crowd. The medium of media does not care how you or those around you respond to the message, just as long as you are buying into the concept of what they are selling.
Now take an impressionable adolescent who apart from getting used to this new body that seems to be evolving at a record speed, now has all these wonderful images, music, and stimuli to add extra mental and psychological pull on this development of mind and body. The desire to fit in, be cool, stay current, and lately hopefully become the next trend is all-consuming. In almost every music video, advert between videos, and nearly every platform where advertising is paid, there is the message that money buys happiness, joy, and friends. With this money is access to entertainment and life. All sorts of vices and stimuli get you a great and memorable evening out. Sexy people, fast cars, fashionable outfits, a good hookah pipe, a chilled bucket of drinks, e-cigarettes, a bit of betting and winning, intoxicating music and you are the popular guy or girl, you have arrived, you in the in-crowd and it is good. Before you know it, this lifestyle is in your veins, in many cases literally. It’s all you want, it is all you want to do to experience it again and again without a care about the cost, and not just financially.
Maybe your first taste of this life was not in the flashy nightlife, maybe it was in the schoolyard or school bathroom, outside of a corner shop where you innocently hang out with your friends. Or maybe your invitation was a fun day out at the park, a great braai with friends, awesome music, innocent, clean, and safe hubbly is being passed around and Instagram videos being made and uploaded. The freedom is great, the friends are the best, and what’s even better is what seems like an endless round of drinks and shots. A social activity made extra fun by playing drinking games and truth or dare, and before you know it, you doing things you never thought you would. Or maybe it was in your home, around a good movie, with friends. One drink leads to two and two lead to someone leaving the group to get another bottle. Before long everyone is relaxed and the socially acceptable e-cigarettes and hubbly bubbly pipes are passed around. However someone is not happy enough with this fun, a buzz is needed and something is spiked. Our casual gatherings become situations of excessive drinking and finding new ways to stay buzzed. Soon uploads of conquering heroes’ statuses, bottles, pipes, and everything else to prove we got what it takes, and hooray to the all-day and night bender we pulled. Before long the high is craved and needed again. And soon this innocent interaction becomes an addiction and a mental illness.
Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying there is any problem with a great night out or a beautiful fun day out at the park or watching movies with friends and having one or two drinks. What I am aiming to get at is when the addiction starts. Without knowing it, soon one or two drinks are not enough, the tobacco needs a bit more juice, the uninhibited high is craved, a better high needs a better charge, and soon pills are popped and shared. Small betting becomes something that needs to be done on a weekly scale and at higher stakes. Movie watching is no longer satisfied with the illusion of a sex scene, you crave the no holds barred kind and just like that, you are all in, hooked, addicted, and nothing but the high, the chase, the senses being satisfied is all that matters. The scary thing is that this is happening between/from the early ages of 12/13 -21+years. Addiction gets a hold of you and soon you are hiding activities, stealing to support your habit, lying, and not noticing that your behaviour has brought about bad choices, and a lack of respect for your parents and the home they have given you. If you of earning age, your wages no longer make it through the week or to your home and family. The person you once were has been lost to that first decision to try and fit in with the crowd. You no longer look like those beautiful people in the music videos that captured you. You are living a life of destruction and pain, for yourself and all those around you. The cost is too high to qualify, the cost is you losing your livelihood, your roof over your head, or your family, god forbid your life.
This article has been sitting with me for a few weeks now. I was contemplating maybe holding it for youth month or drug awareness day, however, I could not let it go another week. I still hope to change lives one story at a time, and this one is becoming too real. All around me, there is one form or another of these behaviours becoming a huge problem for families and communities. I am not unaffected by it and by no means saying I am the perfect parent. In fact, it’s what spurned this ramble.
This was my plan when I became a parent. My boys will be able to talk to me about anything and everything. I will not be too embarrassed to discuss any topic brought to the table. Be it my choices, their choices, the choices of those who left them, of those who love them or support them. I was going to take an amnesty policy/ position on behaviour. Should their behaviour cause a situation of distress, fear, and panic, one they cannot handle, or the law, when they are out of the house, they can call. This would mean, that no matter the trouble, or the situation, if they needed rescuing or help, I would be there, no questions asked and no punishment. All I required was we would definitely talk about it and find a way through what caused them to get into that situation. This was my way to ensure that they would not hide anything from me and that they knew I was always going to be there for them, no matter what. This is not unique to me. So many parents I know would drop anything for their children in time of need.
Back to my brilliant plan for parenting. I would have strict rules for who, when, what, and how. This also meant that as long as they wanted entertainment and running away from their home to find it, would not be the answer. So I made my home the one place where all their friends could come and chill. With pool table outside and freedom for music to be played loud. If friends were home, I would give them the space and I would retreat to my bedroom. When they turned 18, I allowed them to buy their own drinks and spend an afternoon sharing a cider, a beer, or a whiskey with a group of friends. The rule was no parties, clubbing, or late nights out until you are 21. This is a life rule in our circle and families. 21 was reaching your majority and that meant you were no longer a boy but a man. Oh, but has this backfired royally? During the week my son calls from Pietermaritzburg to say that he and his brother are invited to a friend’s 21st. So my new age of parenting kicks in and I think okay. I was already planning my wedding at 20, they are 20. I remember looking at my brothers getting ready to go out to friends’ 21st which tied in with all of them turning 21 around the same time. I would watch my cousins and brothers looking smartly dressed and all excited for the evening that lay ahead. Back then, the 21st meant a formal party. A hall was hired, band or a DJ, no such a thing as a cash bar, you had ushers and usherettes and parties started at 6 pm and ended at midnight, last dance was called and would never go later than half hour past midnight. I’m not naive to think that my brothers and their friends did not have a drink or two or smoked a cigarette but what I did know is that they were home way before 2. I so wanted to be 21. And so, I thought okay, I understand where my sons are at and I need to give them space. However, this party it turned out was at a club, they left home at 11 pm and returned home at 5;30 am in the morning, with their friends. The party continued until they all passed out from the exhaustion from pulling an all-nighter and whatever means of intoxication was their choice through the morning. That Sunday morning, no one was stirring for church. The house was eerie quiet when just an hour or two ago, the music was playing and my home was full of teens. This is what I expected when we were to enter their teen years. However, this one struck me as an alarm bell. I was mad, so angry with them. I thought how on earth did I get this all wrong? I thought I was a cool mom. We prayed together, played together, and laughed together. I gave them their wings when it was needed and just like that…. they climb off that cliff and I am afraid are now spiraling. I have to catch them and the other teens before it’s too late.
My years of single parenting through the experimental stage consisted of breaking and smashing hubbly bubbly pipes against the wall, good shoe “hidings” on finding out they had tried out drinking before turning 16. I was fierce, and bold, open, and accepting all at once. It was becoming exhausting, to dodge the bullets of their teen years. Now we are on the brink of their majority and they pulling stuns of “Thirsty Thursdays” and “weekend throw-downs”. The funny thing is, when I made this parenting blueprint I made it in an era when adverts were censored, there were no cellphones or the internet of constant messages of what is cool, what is in, what you need to be doing to be fashionable and trending. I made my blueprint before hubbly bubbly became a section of choice at a restaurant and way before e-cigarettes became an answer to smoking in public and were seen as a lesser evil. My blueprint was made before kids shot up in public and pills for uppers and downers were as accessible as buying sweets. My plan was made before weed was legally growing in my yard and although I am confident my boys are not on any drugs, my concern is the patterned behaviour that has caused pushing my boundaries and rules and the abuse of alcohol. So here I am going back to the drawing board before it’s too late and addiction to alcohol and bubbly becomes more than just a night out on the town.
There are too many parents out there dealing with addictions. Its part of my circle, in my family and no one is immune to it. The very nature of addiction is started with fun, enjoyment, experimentation, and repetition. The nature of substance and behaviour abuse starts with one thing and trying to seek something better, a greater high, an easier way to block out, numb, remove all the issues that weigh us down, wanting more of a win at the tables, wanting to fit in, wanting to be accepted. It doesn’t matter what form it takes, it is destroying families, lives, relationships, and communities.
I have seen first-hand the destruction addictions can cause, from physical abuse to sexual gratification-seeking behaviour. From one drink to laying in the gutter without a home or an option. From one sniff/snort to climbing up on a roof to throw yourself off because you think you can fly. From one pill popped to breaking windows and hitting your parents. From one experimental pull on a cigarette to pulling on a pipe of dagga, tick, or wonga. It is all around us and parents’ hearts are been broken and homes destroyed.
I asked one of my friends what was the start of her son’s addiction, she said first it was cigarettes, then hoka pipe, then dagga, then tik, mandrax, and wonga. She has had to witness her son arrested for possession, live through his abuse of her, steal everything in her house to sell for one more high, and to watch him lose his wife and children.
Another client is battling with her partner who is hooked on gambling. Every penny from his wage packet first is spent at the tables or bets on a race, then to the payment of bookies before it gets home. Their newborn is neglected and their relationship as a couple is been destroyed as everything is about gambling.
The stories could go on and on. So what can we do? How can we find a way through these diseases that are affecting lives and breaking homes and loss of livelihoods? What can I do today to make sure my sons do not move from fun times to hard times? I definitely have to go back to the plan and amend it somehow. especially since more and more youngsters live at home while building their future and nest egg. Especially when more and more legal freedoms are given to recreational activities and age limits are blurred in our societies. Each person responds differently to options and interventions. Health scares seldom work, so we need to understand addiction. With an addiction disorder, there is typically an impact on nearly every aspect of their life, including careers or school life, relationships, and health. Many people with an addiction, don’t understand that they have a problem or the extent of their problem and its effects. The behaviours of an addict aren’t because they lack morality or a strong character, but instead, its important to know the behaviour of an addict is about a disease that’s a mental illness. When someone is exhibiting behaviours of an addict, they continue to use despite the consequences, and without intervention and appropriate treatment, it’s unlikely addict behaviour will end. As scary and unpredictable as the behaviours of an addict can be, how do you deal with them?
First, it’s important to realize that you are not the cause of the behavior of an addict, no matter what types of manipulation ploys they may use on you. It’s also important when learning about the behaviors of an addict that you understand the reality of the situation. Don’t let yourself get drawn into the fantasy world of the addict. Once you have accepted the reality of the situation, you can begin dealing with an addict’s behaviour by setting boundaries. Boundaries are extremely important for the addict, but also for your own well-being. You should be clear, concise, and consistent. Seek out help. This is not a failure or a stigma. Going to group therapy or one on one therapy, finding a substance abuse counselling centre, and exploring rehabilitation options are all ways to help overcome the addiction. You should also realize that you can’t learn how to change addictive behavior in another person. All you can do is organize an intervention, try to motivate the addict to seek treatment and stay firm when it comes to adhering to your boundaries. Life’s ups and downs are easier to handle when a person has the support of family members who can help through professional bodies can stop the addiction.
The Ke Moja WhatsApp Chat Platform is available seven days a week, from 8am to 5pm. WhatsApp 087 163 2025 for a live chat with one of the counsellors. Alternative contact resources: The National Department of Social Development 24 hour Substance Abuse Helpline – 0800 12 13 14 / SMS 32312
Tessa Green – Relationship and Behavioural Therapist
