Bully is as Bully does – Who is Bully?

As a Relationship and Behaviourial Therapist / Business Consultant & Coach, I have been privy to the one element of human behaviour that never seems to go away even as you move from school age to working age, to retirement age. In almost all stages of our lives, in whatever situational relationship you find yourself in, chances are you have encountered a bully.  Maybe you are the bully. Either way, this psychology has always fascinated me and a person’s relationship with another where there is always the leader/follower – Master/Servant – Celebrity/Fans – Employer/Employee – husband/wife – Man/woman – Older/Younger  – Teacher/Student – Priest/Congregation – Pastor/Members dynamic and how very easily the one seeks to control and dominance over the other.

So what does the face of bullying look like? Bullying is defined as an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical, and/or social behaviour that intends to cause physical, social, and/or psychological harm. (National Centre against Bullying). At the heart of bullying is a power imbalance—perceived or actual—of social status, wealth, physical strength, or size. Bullying can be repeated over periods of time, resulting in physical, psychological, social, or educational harm.

The prolonged nature of bullying makes it different from one-time behaviours or isolated incidents like arguments and fights. Bullying behaviours include physical intimidation or harm—tripping, hitting, pushing or spitting on a victim, social exclusion, making fun of the victim, teasing, name calling and/or insults threats, property destruction, making the victim do something s/he doesn’t want to do spreading rumors or lies about the victim. Bully victims are those who both bully and are bullied and suffer the most serious effects. They are at greater risk for mental and behavioural problems. Rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide are on the increase.  Bullying victimization is an example of toxic stress, especially when it is cumulative and occurs year after year. Human interaction is always complicated, and when two people with separate agendas share a life, you can expect some less-than-perfect behaviour. While certain personality types are naturally more dominant than others, it is important for a healthy relationship to maintain a balance between both parties’ emotional and physical needs.

I am reminded of a series on Netflix ‘13 reasons to die’ The story portrays a story of a young lady that commits suicide however not before leaving her story on 13 individual recordings for the 13 people that made her life unbearable or managed to go so unnoticed by their actions and her sense of worthless that culminates to the recordings been brought forward by a friend she entrusts her story with.  While this may be a storyline of a fictional movie, I am reminded of how close this story is adapted to art intimating life and the silent threat of bullying.

A few years back one of my talk show topics was on self-worth.  The idea was to create awareness around how much stock and value we put into what others think and say about us and our thoughts on how we see ourselves and what we believe about ourselves. This lack of self-worth has caused such a silent trauma in the lives of teens that the only way they know how to cope is to self-harm.  I had the privilege of interviewing 4 brave young ladies from different walks of life, race groups, and backgrounds.  Yet during the interview, it dawned on me that the young ladies looked so unassumingly perfectly put together, social, laughing, and very outspoken, yet behind all that was a very sad tragic story of self-harm and cutting. The reasoning would not make sense to any person listening in, thinking that this could just be a way to get attention.  However, during the interval, the grandparents of one of the girls came to me to thank you for shedding light on this situation.  They knew that there was something amiss and that there was a place that they could not reach with this beautiful life in their lives they were responsible for, yet day after day they have been witnessing a dimming of her light and a silence they could not get through to.  During the interview, it came out that this beautiful young lady with all her beautiful curves and spirit that lit up the room was suffering from bulimia anorexia eating disorder because she could not achieve a size 8 / 10 body weight and was picked on by other girls at school. She silently crushed on a boy that didn’t see her beauty, just those of the girls that used her for the promotion of their lives and the highlighting of their blessings against the backdrop of pulling her down.  All the girls on the show showed their scars and how they use them as an outlet for their emotional pain.  That feeling the physical pain made more sense, all stemming from a place of being bullied by another person in one way or another.

Let’s digress from the teen scene for a moment and look deeper into the behaviour of the bully and that it is not a behaviour left just to the schoolyard.  Bullies are found in every aspect of a relationship dynamic. As mentioned before more so where there is a power dynamic.  In a romantic relationship, this is normally masked by society as acceptable as it’s not seen as devastating or aggressively harmful as abuse. This is a mistake of thinking. Abuse then is given the power and the bully element is overlooked. I do believe this is where it starts and where it escalates to. I remember I was dating my fiance at the time and he would say little things while we were driving from somewhere. If I had misbehaved according to him and he would then address it in the car.  This he would do by driving very fast and saying that he had no problem crashing the car if I would admit that I was flirting or that I was too sociable or left him alone for too long.  He would bully me into admitting he was right.  I remember how little I identified it as a bullying tactic until I looked deeper into the psychology of the bully dynamic. Relationship bullying refers to one partner in a relationship who bullies the other. Bullies feel so weak that they develop an overwhelming need to command and dominate, to compensate for how vulnerable they feel, according to Dr. Testa, author of “The Bully in Your Relationship.” This leads them to choose victims especially spouses and lovers over whom they believe they can exert complete control.

What about the young men who are starting to get serious for the first time about their girlfriend and relationship?  Who is totally lost the beauty and length of time together that the signs of her bullying him are overlooked as her wanting to spend time with him.  After a while, he is unable to see his friends, be in the company of other females, be told what to post on his social media, and has to account for every minute not spent with him.  The subtle tiffs and tears and tantrums and very soon the bully becomes the abuser and the young men are afraid to leave or break hearts because threats of suicide and hurting ones-self should they leave keeps them in the dynamic of being bullied.  She might as well be taking his lunch money and tripping him on the school grounds and laughing with her friends. The thing is this partner may not even realize that they are bullying you. Or you might be the bully in the relationship without even knowing it! The fact is, it’s very easy to slip into negative behavioural patterns, so it’s always a good idea to periodically stop and take stock of your conduct. So how do you identify a relationship bully? Here are some tell-tale signs: They punish you if you don’t comply with their wishes. This is bullying in its simplest form. Do what I say, or else… Unlike schoolyard bullies your partner might not beat you up if you don’t give them your lunch money, but if they don’t get what they want, they will find a way to punish you. This punishment can take many forms. Are you one of those girls who regularly yell or cry or call names almost every time your boyfriend disagrees with you, even over silly non-issues?

If you find yourself doing what your partner wants because you are scared of what the fallout will be if you don’t, then you are being bullied. They belittle and disrespect you both in private and in public.  Does your partner expect you to spend all your time together? Are you expected to be home every single night by a certain time? Do they tell you what you can and cannot wear? Do they expect you to be happy with the frequency, duration, and type of love-making they prefer? Do they try and control your behaviour and punish you when you don’t comply? These control freaks make all the rules and are never in the wrong. They use emotional manipulation and make you feel guilty if you do not meet their ever-escalating demands. The worst thing? They will never be satisfied, no matter how much you give them, or how much you sacrifice. These subtle ones trip me up and I have to ask myself how quickly we want to believe it’s love and so romantic and before we know it, we are unable to get out of the situation and are trapped. Do they isolate you from friends and family?  This is a tactic that all bullies use. If your partner prohibits or discourages you from seeing friends and family, or controlling who you talk to or what you’re allowed to say, you should hear alarm bells ringing. They do this intentionally to sever you from support. This way they can manipulate you without fear of discovery or input from others who might shed light on the situation. My ex would do this. Once my sons are gone to their father for his weekend, he would call to say he is buying us goodies and we will have a movie night with wine and takeaways. I am hooked, long week, exhausted mother of twins, and just like that I am so taken aback by his thoughtfulness and romance. He would come home, draw the curtains and turn the buzzer off at the door. By Sunday night I hadn’t seen another person and the first few times were like therapy for the soul however these weekends turned into a pattern and a pattern his control. No visitors, no family allowed over without asking him first, and no family gatherings. Before long I was looking out my window and watching my siblings arrive at my folk’s home for Saturday afternoon braai or Sunday Lunch and I lived 3 doors away.  They would come and ring the bell and call on the cells and I had to pretend no one was home. These bullies often tell you they are the only ones who care about you and that other loved ones don’t know what’s best for you or have their own agendas. Be very careful when this happens. Please reach out, speak out, and get hold of any support networks, and don’t let someone cut you off from yours.

So from the bedroom let’s go to the boardroom. A mired of bullying takes place here as just like in a life partner relationship there is a desperation of need for livelihood and sustainability that this behaviour is overlooked. A scenario comes to mind of a personal assistant to the CEO.  The long unrewarded expectation of work output with no cause or effect to what it is doing to the personal assistance family life.  Or the employee that has been given the power of a management responsibility without the rewards of management perks.  Opening a store at 4 am in the morning and closing at 8 pm, yet still without the title, acknowledgment, and reward that responsibility comes with.  What about the person that is working their behind day in and day out, ensuring that a service is delivered on time and without too much flack or backlash from the community, simply to be overlooked for any promotion because of skin colour yet every day that person is responsible for signing off on millions of rands of money and producing a high level of reports passed off as the superviors or senior managers work.

This brings to mind a company I worked for that felt that every employee was disposable, because of the production and manufacturing factory setting in the textile industry.  With the constant reminder that there are many other people outside the gate wanting to work, so if you not going to work through your breaks or work overtime without getting paid, then we will always get someone else in.  I would leave the office sick to the pit of my stomach the conditions these employees were subjected to. Fortunately life balanced that scenario out soon enough and the business went belly up.  These are just a few examples of how bullying can be so overlooked, from simple elements like not giving your staff personal protective equipment on a construction site and telling them that there is another person willing and able to take your job. This is right through, to the employer that is demanding sexual favours for promotions and rewards. Belittling, undermining, shouting, punishing, embarrassing an employee, through fear or loss of job, reward, or promotion.  All this type of harassment can cause untold stress, and trauma and silently destroy a life. Most bullies are on a power pedestal and want to enjoy the feeling of superiority, control, and fear they place in their victims.  This is why this behavior is dangerous and criminal and needs the spotlight. Because it is perpetrated in places like the workplace, in schools, and in places of worship there is already a power dynamic that is expected, ingrained, and accepted within the core of these.

I would like you to remember that the very nature of a bully is to hurt, oppress, destroy, taunt, degrade, dismiss, control, and fundamentally break a person in their psyche and in their emotions. My hope is that some of you will take to heart what I’ve written here, that lives will be reevaluated and steps are taken to improve what may have been a festering sore in the happiness of all your relationships from the bedroom to boardroom and those in-between.  Protect yourself, if the bullying is escalating and becoming abusive, seek professional help immediately. There are avenues and procedures in place to help you. Educate yourself as at the end of the day, you can only control one person, yourself. So educating yourself on your role in the victim and bully cycle is imperative to healing at least your half of the equation.  If you stop being a victim, the bully will be forced to stop bullying you. The more I type up this article the more stories I have that can shape an idea and give one pause as I hope my writing does. The question remains, are you a bully or are you being bullied?